


Lost in a Universe Without You

by AdriennePrevost



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Not Happy, Please Don't Hate Me, Post-Canon, Post-TRoS, Rey Needs A Hug, Spoilers, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22515838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdriennePrevost/pseuds/AdriennePrevost
Summary: After Exogol, Rey has to learn to cope with the emptiness in her heart that used to be filled by Ben. The loss doesn't get any easier, but over time, she starts to feel a tiny bit less alone.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Lost in a Universe Without You

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Mentions of depression and suicide. Heavy grief.

Rey stepped off the ship slowly. She was still hoping this was a dream, though the ache in her chest begged to differ. She didn’t think she could even dream of this type of pain, this kind of emptiness.

The Resistance fighters below her were cheering and celebrating, but she could barely hear them beneath the ringing in her ears. They were happy, though she couldn’t think why. She saw her friends, Poe, Rose, and Finn. Her feet moved of their own accord toward them, and she felt arms wrap around her. She only heard snippets of conversations. People congratulated her, patted her on the back, hugged her. All she could see were blurs of unfamiliar faces. She was lost, scared, and, for the first time, utterly alone.

“Rey?” Someone’s voice. She forced her vision to focus. It was Finn, looking at her, concerned.

“Sorry, what was that?” she answered, blinking.

“Are you alright? You seem a little out of it.”

She couldn’t lie to her closest friend, but she couldn’t tell him to truth either. “I… I just need some time to process.” She tried to offer him a reassuring smile, but it came out as a grimace. He pulled her into a hug, gently rubbing her back.

“We’re all very proud of you, Rey. Take as much time as you need. And, if you need someone to talk to, I’m always here. I promise.”

Rey expected to feel overwhelming love for the man who stood beside her no matter what, who was her rock since the beginning of this journey, but she felt nothing. “Thank you.” She pulled away so she could look him directly in the eyes. “I’ll explain everything someday, I promise. Just… not today.”

Finn gave her a kind smile before she turned away and started walking to her room. She didn’t even bother taking a shower before she crawled into bed.

She closed her eyes and was pulled deep into a dream.

~

About an hour later, Poe scanned the crowd for Rey. He was going to ask her to dance with him before he could talk himself out of it. But he couldn’t find her. He pulled Finn aside. “Have you seen Rey?”

“Yeah, she went to bed. She said she needed time to process.”

Poe frowned. Normally, after a battle, Rey would continue on without even pausing to blink, preparing their next assault. This was uncharacteristic. “Thanks, Finn,” he said, then marched toward the residence area of the base, determined to figure out some answers about what happened on Exogol. That must be what was troubling her.

When Poe reached her room, he heard her whispering. He couldn’t make out what she was saying until she started screaming. “You’re  _ lying _ !” she shouted, “They  _ will _ come back! He’s not  _ dead _ , he can’t be! It was always supposed to be  _ me _ !” Poe burst open the door to see Rey tossing and turning in bed, her eyes closed. She was sleeping. “Let me see him, just once more! Please!  _ Please! _ ” she cried. Poe ran over to her and shook her shoulders roughly.

“Rey, you’re dreaming. Wake up. I’m here.”

Her eyes fluttered open, and Poe realized they were damp. Rey took a few deep breaths before pulling Poe into a tight embrace. Tears streamed down her cheeks. “I had a dream that you were  _ dead _ , Ben, and that you—” Rey pulled back long enough to glimpse Poe’s face. She stilled. “Poe?”

Confused, he nodded. “That’s my name.”

Rey pulled away and curled her knees to her chest, absolutely silent. “So it’s true. I really am alone,” she whispered.

“Rey, you’re not alone. You have the Resistance, Finn, me, you have an entire galaxy who reveres you as a hero.”

Rey stared off into the distance. “But I don’t have  _ him _ .”

“Who?”

She hugged her knees even tighter. “You’d hate me if I told you.”

“Rey, nothing could make me hate you.”

She laughed without humor. “You don’t know that.”

“Don’t I? After everything we’ve been through—”

“After everything we’ve been through you would hate me even more. So don’t even try that with me.”

Poe took a deep breath. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s your choice. All I can say is that we all love you and care about you despite whatever secret you’re hiding. So please, don’t push me away.”

He waited a second before turning around and closing the door, leaving Rey alone once more.

Poe was making his way back to the festivities when he ran into Finn. “How’s Rey?” the former Stormtrooper asked.

“She’s hiding something. Something big. I don’t know what it is, but it’s not good, and she won’t tell me anything.”

Finn’s gaze was calm. “Whatever it is, she’ll tell us eventually. Or she won’t. And that’s fine. We won the war, Poe. Let’s go enjoy ourselves.”

Poe couldn’t shake the look on Rey’s face. “I really am alone,” she’d said. 

Her silence was a thousand times more chilling than her screaming.

~

Rey couldn’t sleep after that. She wandered the quiet halls of the Resistance base, empty but teeming with life and laughter. It was too much, too  _ happy _ for her. She didn’t remember walking there, but she found herself on a ledge overlooking a deep canyon. She sat down, dangling her legs over the side. It was early. The planet’s blue sun had yet to crest the horizon. It was cold, too, but Rey didn’t care. She let the damp air permeate her skin and bones, the cold temporarily slowing her racing thoughts. She didn’t remember the name of the planet she was on. It was beautiful, in a way, but she only saw rocks and mist.

Minutes, maybe hours later, she heard footsteps behind her. Normally, she would have jumped up to defend herself or reached out with the Force to identify her visitor, but she didn’t. She didn’t see the point in it.

“Rey?” It was Finn. Rey didn’t look away from the horizon.

“I’m here,” she replied.

“Is everything okay?” he asked before joining her on the ledge.

“What does it look like?”

Finn wrapped a blanket around Rey’s shoulders. “Poe said you had a nightmare.”

“That’s nothing new.” Except it was. Normally, the nightmare was about her parents. This time, though, she saw Ben.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked gently.

“No,” Rey said. She finally turned to face him. “But I did want to talk to you about something else.”

Finn handed her a mug of hot chocolate. “My ears are yours.”

Rey took a sip, took a deep, calming breath, then told him everything. From the moment she first met Ben to his final breath, every moment of their bond laid bare for Finn to judge. Finally, once she was done, he spoke.

“You know I have reason to hate Kylo Ren, and nothing you’ve told me justifies or forgives what he’s done. You know that, and so did he. I still hate him, I suppose, but I trust you, Rey. And I believe you when you say there was light in him. I believe you when you say he was a good man.”

Rey examined her mug. “Are you sure you don’t think I’m a traitor?”

Finn placed his arm around her waist. “In my eyes, you didn’t do anything wrong, Rey. I can’t tell you if Poe will see it the same way I do, or if the Resistance will, but this doesn’t change who you are in my eyes. And you’re not wrong to mourn him. You two had something very intimate; there’s nothing wrong with grief over that.”

Rey leaned in to Finn, resting her head on his shoulder. “Thanks, Finn. For trusting me.”

His response was to pull her close as the sun rose bright and blue over the horizon.

~

Poe had called for a meeting to discuss where the Resistance would go from here, how to reconstruct the Republic, and to plan a mass funeral for those lost in the fighting. But for that, they needed Rey and Finn, who were nowhere on the base. Tired and dealing with a hangover-induced headache, Poe opened the door to the base and stepped into the early-morning dew. Sure enough, silhouetted by the rising sun, wrapped in each other’s arms, sat the subjects of his search. Poe rolled his eyes affectionately. Of course they’d be together; the two were virtually inseparable.

As Poe began walking toward them, he wondered if Rey told Finn what she’d refused to tell Poe, the secret that might make him hate her. Of anyone, she’d tell Finn. They trusted each other more than either of them trusted Poe. Which was fine, Poe quickly reminded himself. He wasn’t really the most touchy-feely person nor was he very trustworthy, but it still stung that Rey kept this from him. What did he expect her to do,  _ exile  _ her?

As he got even closer, he realized that Rey’s hair was mussed from sleep, and she hadn’t bothered to put it in her signature hair style. Poe’s suspicions were correct: something was really bothering her.

As he got closer he could make out their words. “Half of my soul is  _ gone _ , Finn. How am I supposed to continue living when he’s dead? It’s just… impossible.” 

Finn took a minute before responding. “Just like your love was impossible? Rey, people suffer a great many losses, and yet they stand to fight another day. That seems impossible, but it’s not. That’s what the galaxy does: we just keep on keeping on. We figure out a way to live till tomorrow and not think about the future if we don’t have to.”

“Will it ever get any easier? To deal with his absence?

Finn sighed. “Maybe, maybe not. But what option do you have?”

Rey was quiet. “I don’t know.”

Poe stopped in his tracks directly behind them. “Will someone explain what the  _ kriff _ is going on?”

Rey startled, turning to see him standing over them. She traded a glance with Finn, then sighed. “Fine. I fell in love with someone who died on Exogol, okay?”

Poe was taken aback. “Why did you think I’d hate you for  _ that _ ?”

“It wasn’t  _ that  _ I fell in love, it was who I fell in love  _ with  _ you’d hate me for.”

“Who was that?”

Rey’s fists clenched. “Why should I tell  _ you _ ?” She looked away. “You never understood me. The only person who ever did is dead.” Poe heard a crackling noise and looked down at Rey’s fingertips, which were sparking with lightning. He backed away, putting his hands up placatingly.

“Then help me understand. Or don’t. It doesn’t really matter. Just… don’t kill me?”

Rey looked at her hand, surprised. “Stupid Sith powers,” she muttered under her breath, consciously unclenching her fist.

Poe was shocked. “You’re  _ Sith _ ?”

Rey grimaced. “Emperor Palpatine was my grandfather. Tell a single soul and I’ll kill you.” Rey sometimes made death threats, but this one seemed honest to the core. He knew she  _ would _ kill him, and that chilled him to the bone. Perhaps she  _ was _ Sith in soul as well as ancestry. Poe didn’t have time to respond before Rey asked, “So why are you here? Do you need us for something?”

Poe shook himself. “Yeah, we’re having a meeting on one of the other planets with some galactic leaders. Rebuilding the Republic and whatnot. As the single resident Jedi, you are cordially invited.” He held out his hand to help her up.

Rey's eyes turned regretful, but Poe got the feeling it wasn't about him. She refused his hand, stood, and started walking toward the base. Poe gazed after her contemplatively. 

He felt Finn's had on his shoulder. “Give her time. These things can't be rushed.”

Poe exhaled. “I just wish I could help her.”

Finn shook his head sadly. “No one can help her now.”

~

What was left of the Resistance crammed into five ships to save fuel as they flew to the central planet Gleptiu for negotiations. Finn, Poe, and Rose sat around the table in the common area as Rey took off.

“Did anyone else notice that Rey's been… distant lately?” Rose said, her voice quiet.

Finn clasped his hands together. “It's personal for her,” he said in response, revealing nothing. “I suggest you don't mention it.”

Rose’s expression softened. “I'm worried about her. This war has been tough on everyone, and she has so much weight to carry.”

“And she refuses to ask for help. If only she would tell us what's bothering her,” Poe lamented. “Whatever she's hiding can't be that bad.”

Finn grimaced. “We'll see.” With that, he stood up and headed to the cockpit, where Rey was preparing for the jump to Hyperspace. “They’re worried about you, you know.”

Rey exhaled sharply through her nose. “They can’t do anything. I appreciate their concern, but it won’t change the fact that he’s dead.”

Finn thought for a moment. “Didn’t I hear you say something about Force ghosts? Like, when you die, you get to haunt people for the rest of their days? Can Ben do that?”

Rey shook her head sadly. “I don’t think so. Usually, when someone becomes one with the Force, I can feel them, like they’re a part of the force. Kind of like fossil fuel - dead stuff powering the living.” She paused for a moment. “Sorry, that was a bad image. But I don’t feel that with Ben. It’s almost like I’m holding him back, keeping him from sinking into the Force. It’s overwhelming.” Rey flicked a couple more switches and rubbed her face. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. He was always there. We were enemies. I  _ hated  _ him. But I always knew that I wasn’t alone. Now I am. And I’m lost all over again.”

Finn sat down in the co-pilot’s seat. “He wanted you to live. He knew you’d do great things for the galaxy. He knew you’d set things right.”

“I don’t care about the galaxy, Finn.” She looked directly at him then, and he saw deep, shameful honesty. “I don’t care if the whole damn place goes up in flames. And I don’t care if I burn with them. Without him, there’s no point in living.”

“You don’t have to go to the negotiations if you don’t want to, Rey. No one would think less of you.”

She turned away and activated the Hyperdrive. “I’ve got nothing better to do.”

~

Rey lay awake in the dim interior of the  _ Falcon _ long after everyone had fallen asleep. She stared at the ceiling, tracing patterns in the chipped paint. She loved this ship. There was so much history at her fingertips. This old girl had survived war after war and was still going strong. It offered her a sense of security. She wondered if Ben had felt the same way.

She consciously directed her thoughts away from him. If she was going to get any sleep at all, she needed to clear her mind of him. She breathed, in and out, slowly, making the hand resting on her stomach move up and down. She let her thoughts drift away and reached out, almost instinctively, to the Force. Normally, when she reached for the Force this way, she was flooded with light. Now, though, darkness pressed its way in, leaving her stranded in gray. She was tempted to panic, to push against the darkness, fight it, shove it back where it belonged, but she forced herself to calm. She breathed, and the gray breathed too. She reached out her fingers to touch the dark clouds and felt raw power pulsing through them. It felt…  _ good _ . But it wasn’t intoxicating. Fear, rage, hate, it was all there, sparking against her fingertips, but it wasn’t overpowering. She could control this.

Reaching out her other hand, Rey touched the light, letting its familiar rays calm her worries and gift her with hope. She reached in further, so that she was in up to her elbows. Then her shoulders. All the while, she kept a perfect balance between the two sides of the Force, accepting their presence but not abusing it. For the first time since Ben’s death, she was free of the grief and pain. It was okay. The future was going to be okay. She would survive this, or maybe she wouldn’t. And, whatever happened, the Force would always be with her.

~

Rey’s eyes opened to a banging on her door. "Good morning, Rey! Wake up!" Rose's voice yelled.

"I'm up!" Rey called back irritably. She didn't like waking up, not unless Ben was there next to-- STOP. No. She was  _ not _ going there.

At that train of thought, she expected to feel a weight in her stomach, but she was instead met with an almost comforting tug. She could feel Ben pulling her down from the dead, but it served as a reminder of why she was here, participating in the rebuilding of the Republic: he wanted her to live.

"We're leaving in fifteen minutes. There are ration bars on the table."

"Thanks, Rose."

Rey heard the other woman's footsteps retreating, and she rose from her bed. She surveyed her wardrobe. Her signature cream outfit seemed too bright for her state of grief. So she decided to raid General Organa's closet for suitable attire.

~

Poe sipped his caf while the other Resistance members got ready for the negotiations. "What's taking Rey so long?" he wondered.

"I think she just woke up," Rose responded. "Can I have a sip?" she said, gesturing to his caf.

Poe pulled his mug away protectively. “No. Make your own caf, Rose.”

Rose, surprising no one, didn’t listen. “No one wants me to be a zombie at these negotiations, Poe! You’ll regret this!” She lunged for the mug, diving over the table and knocking the drink out of Poe’s hands. Unfortunately, she hadn’t planned her move very well and ended up knocking the cup onto the floor. Both watched this happen in almost slow motion, bracing for the impact and inevitable scolding by Finn. But the mug never hit the floor.

Surprised, both looked up to find Rey in the doorway, her eyes bright for the first time since Exogol. “The Sith, the Jedi, they had it all wrong,” she gushed, speaking faster and with more energy than she ever had before, “the Force isn’t meant to be wielded from one side or the other. It’s all about balance. It’s not  _ supposed _ to be black and white. Gray is what we need. That’s what the Force wanted us to find. I was just too dense to see it! Gray, that’s what we were. The perfect balance of Light and Dark. And that’s what I have to be now. It makes so much  _ sense _ now.”

Poe and Rose just stared. Slowly, Poe reached for his caf. “Okay, what does that mean?”

“It means we don’t have to fight against Dark Force users. It shouldn’t have ever been Light vs. Dark to begin with. Maybe, if we can make peace with the two sides of this war, we can make peace with the two sides of the Force. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll never have to fight a war this bloody ever again. There’s a  _ reason _ Force-sensitives are drawn to the Dark - without it, you miss out on half the spectrum of emotion! So if we just accept it for what it is, we might never have to fight it.”

Rose frowned. “But all my life I’ve been told that the Dark side is dangerous. Was that a lie?”

Rey paused. “To be fair, the Dark side is dangerous when used unreasonably, but if we use it in moderation, without such heavy consequences for simply experimenting, we’d have a much safer environment for Force-sensitives to learn about the ways of the Force. And no one would feel like they need to defect in order to grasp the part of them that they’re missing.”

Poe swirled his caf. “So you’re proposing that we all be chums with the Dark side? And you’re going to say that to a bunch of galactic leaders as we’re trying to earn their trust? ‘Cause I think we all know how that’ll turn out.” He didn't let Rey respond before continuing, “And where is this coming from, anyway? You want to be the next Kylo Ren, huh, betraying everyone who ever loved him? That's fine. You're a Palpatine. I shouldn't have trusted you anyway.”

Rey felt tears pricking at her eyes. She turned the force of her gaze on him. When she spoke, her voice was cold. “I could have made you  _ bow  _ to me. I could have taken my place on the Sith throne and ruled the universe. I could have let my hate reign. I could have taken his hand those times he offered it. I could have done the easy thing. But I didn't. I stayed devoted to the Resistance, to the Light. And what has it got me? Friends who don't even trust me. A lover who’s dead. A galaxy in chaos.” Her fingers sparked with lightning. Her voice went dangerously soft. “Maybe Kylo Ren was right. You only kept me around for as long as you had my undivided loyalty.” She laughed a low, merciless chuckle. “But now you don’t. I’m not a child anymore. I’m not going to fall for your lies.” Poe could almost see the dark clouds rolling off her. Her eyes shed shining tears. “I was better off trusting Kylo Ren than you. He, at least, could never lie to me.”

Rey turned and marched away, footsteps deafening in the perfect silence. Poe could do nothing but stare after her.

Rose didn’t meet Poe’s gaze. “She’s right: she could have chosen the Dark side and she probably would have been better off.” She stood, forgetting about the caf altogether, and left Poe alone with his stunned thoughts. Her words kept running through his head.

“I could have made you  _ bow _ to me.”

~

Rey had chosen a slate-gray dress that offered her more freedom of movement than she expected, along with black leggings and a white shrug. It suited her.

Alone in her room, she was ashamed of her outburst. Despite his flaws, Poe was one of her closest friends. She didn’t want to lose him, even if it meant making some hard compromises. Besides, hadn’t she thought the same about Ben? But it prickled on the raw wounds she carried from Exogol. She could have chosen to take on her grandfather’s title. She could have chosen to rule the galaxy. And, if she had, Ben might have lived. How  _ dare _ Poe take her loyalty, her suffering for granted!

The Light inside her pulled her back, though.  _ Calm, peace, wisdom _ . She took a few deep, calming breaths. They would make it through this. She couldn’t afford to lose yet another loved one, not now.

She walked down the hallway and found Poe still sitting at the table. She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off. “Look, Rey, I shouldn’t have downplayed your sacrifices for the Resistance. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions and assumed you were trying to hurt me.” She hesitated a moment before sitting down beside him. “I don’t want to lose yet another person I care about.”

He placed his arm around her shoulders, and she leaned into his touch. “I’ll be here. I promise.”

~

The members of the Resistance exited their ships and headed to the capital of Gleptiu, where they were given a hero’s welcome. Finn had to stifle a laugh. When the Resistance was dying, no one seemed willing to help, but now, with the war won, the Emperor dead, and the Supreme Leader missing-in-action (or dead, as Finn knew), the whole galaxy was falling at their feet. But that was the way war worked, and he would be a fool to think a planet’s morals might be stronger than their hunger pains.

So Finn waved enthusiastically, trying to hide winces of pain as his not-entirely-healed body strained at the effort. Most of the applause was for Rey, though. While she put on a brave face, Finn knew her too well. Her real facial expression read:  _ Please let this be over so I can stab someone with an egg beater in peace _ . Finn felt nearly the same way. He’d never really tried to draw attention to himself as a Stormtrooper. Attention was often bad and might earn you a visit from Kylo Ren. If he was in a good mood (which was never) he might give you a promotion. If he was in a bad mood, well, that was another story. Therefore, everything about this felt unnatural. But it wasn’t… bad. He could work with this. Of anyone, though, Poe seemed to be enjoying himself the most, there was no question of that.

It took them what seemed like forever to reach the capital building. When they did, though, Finn realized that it was worth the hike and then some. A tower made entirely out of white marble, it seemed to scrape the sky. Finn hoped they’d be able to see the tower silhouetted by sunset. That would be a real treat for his eyes.

The inside, if possible, was even more grand. They didn’t get to see much of it, though, as they marched up an endless spiral staircase to the 13th floor where a room of jaw-dropping size housed over a thousand diplomats looking down from their perches like birds of prey. Finn suddenly felt exposed, like he was back in the First Order, having the computer system track every one of his movements. He reminded himself to breathe.

Once they’d sat down, the meeting was adjourned. No one else really wanted to be the spokesperson for the Resistance, so Poe Dameron, handsome and charismatic ace pilot, stepped up to the microphone. "On behalf of the Resistance, I thank you all for coming here. I have high hopes that we can today lay the foundations for a Republic that will live in peace and prosperity for centuries to come. But first we must review our past. This war we have been fighting for generations has ceased, and the Final Order's military might has been greatly weakened, while our influence has just begun to strengthen. However, as we've seen in the past, this sudden void of order has resulted in a dangerous power vacuum ripe for crime. In this meeting we must discuss our strategy for combating such an event."

Poe's rehearsed speech was cut off by a humanoid diplomat's asking: "Where is Supreme Leader Kylo Ren? We must know where he is and what he's planning so we can truly begin on a blank slate."

"Kylo Ren has not shown himself since--"

"Ben's dead," Rey intoned sharply.

"Sorry, Master Rey?" Poe asked, using Rey's formal title.

"Ben Solo is dead."

"You mean Kylo Ren?" Finn clarified.

"He was Ben at the end," Rey responded. "He died saving my life." The room fell into a deep silence. Rey took her chance. "He was the reason we got to Exogol in the first place. He's the reason Palpatine is dead. Without his sacrifices,  _ none _ of us would be here now."

After a tense pause, a Senator cut in. "Are you proposing we forget his crimes against our people and revere him as a hero just because of the  _ one _ good deed he's done in his life?"

Rey took a deep breath. "I'm suggesting we know and tell the whole story of Kylo Ren, not just want we want to believe."

"He murdered his own  _ father _ !" Poe interjected. "Or did he brainwash you into forgetting that, too?"

Rey visibly bristled, and Finn could hear electricity just beneath her fingertips. Finn set a hand on her back and encouraged her to sit down. "Perhaps your argument could better be resolved in private."

Rey visibly took a steadying breath. "You're right. Let us continue." She sat down heavily in her seat.

Poe swallowed and continued his speech. Most of it went over well, Finn supposed. Of course, no one  _ really _ wanted to stand up to a Resistance who had a freaky and somewhat unstable half-Jedi on its side. It was too similar to the fear tactics the First Order used on the Stormtroopers for Finn's liking. But it was the Republic. It couldn't be that bad…

… Right?

~Epilogue~

Rey watched as Finn's ship dropped through the clouds of Haughst. After years of campaigning, Rey's plan of an academy to train Force-sensitives was approved, and she retreated with her students to Haughst, a planet covered in life and pulsing with the Force. Normally, ships weren't allowed to land this near to the academy, but Finn had always been the exception. Besides, Rey's seven students (they weren't Padawans because she wasn't training them to be Jedi) loved his visits.

Rey stood by as her closest friend disembarked from the ship. They were nearly the same age, but Rey's hair had streaks of silver that Finn's lacked. Her students, mostly teens, rushed to give their visitor a hug. He responded by kissing each of their foreheads. Tiani said something that made Finn roll his eyes.

Rey looked on, smiling quietly. This was the peace they all deserved. She thought that if Ben were here, he would be proud.

The emptiness in her heart would never heal, but it was what kept him close, what reminded her of man who had changed her life forever. There were times when it would have been easier just to join him in death and leave the pain of his absence behind. She'd been close a few times, but she’d reminded herself that Ben gave up everything he had just so she could live. So live she would. And, with time, her students began to fill her heart, little by little, until the pain of his death was only a dull ache.

There were times she would sit on the mountaintop, watching the sunset paint the sky red, that she thought she felt him beside her, the whisper of his hand on hers or his fingers in her hair. It was those times that she felt a little less alone.

Finn smiled at her then, and walked over, unhurried, to wrap her in an embrace. He pulled away after a few moments. “How’ve you been, Rey?”

She smiled the way she only could around Finn. “Haughst helps. The Force is strong here. And the academy… I don’t feel as lost anymore.”

Finn smiled warmly. “I’m glad. Poe’s been worried about you.”

It had taken almost a year for Rey to tell Poe about her and Ben’s connection and even longer for him to come to terms with it. After quite a few broken furniture pieces, though, they’d been able to work things out and were still close. They called at least once a month, if not more. Sometimes, he would come with Finn to Haughst and give one of Rey’s students a ride in the  _ Falcon _ . A grin split her face as she remembered the first time Poe came, when she only had three students, and he’d given them all the VIP tour of the ship.

Her face hardened, then. “There’s something I need to tell you. Walk with me?”

She led him to her favorite clearing in the forest. “Something doesn’t feel right,” she confessed. “The Force seems on edge, like it’s waiting for something bad to happen. I think…” she paused. “I think it has something to do with Lorian. I think he’s planning to kill me.”

Finn was taken aback. “Lorian? Are you sure?” He took a moment to collect himself. “How are you not freaking out right now? Are you gonna just let this happen?”

“Finn, I’m not afraid of death. That’s not what I’m worried about.” She looked down at the hands clasped in her lap. “I’m worried that this war will repeat itself. I’m worried that his sacrifice will be for nothing. Don’t let it, Finn, I beg you. Tell our story. Do whatever you have to to keep this war from repeating.”

Finn glared at her in shock. “I’m not going to let you  _ die _ !”

Rey reached for his hands. “Please. If I do die, you know I’ve died in peace. Promise me you won’t let there be another war.” She unclipped her lightsaber from her belt and clamped his hand around it. “Promise me. Whatever it takes.”

He gave her a tight hug. “I’ll do my best.”

~

Rey was meditating in her one-room hut when Lorian walked in. He shut the door behind him.

“Welcome,” Rey said calmly, opening her eyes. “Pull up a chair. I was just about to have tea.”

“You know what I want, and it isn’t your hospitality,” he growled.

Rey met his gaze levelly. “There will be time for that soon, Lorian, I promise. But first, I want to tell you something.” She placed the teapot on the table. “Or, rather,” she amended, “I want to show you.” With the surety and fearlessness of someone who knows she’s about to die and has accepted that fact wholeheartedly, Rey held out her hand, offering it to Lorian the way Ben had offered his hand to her.

Slowly, Lorian concluded she wasn’t a threat and hesitantly grasped her hand. She opened up her mind to him, and he eagerly explored. It made her feel strange, giving someone this much power over her, but it was necessary, and, frankly, she needed to show someone.

“I thought I was good and full of light. But, after a while, I realized that the light inside me was really Ben’s, and the dark he displayed was from me. It’s funny, really, how the two of us turned out. I was a Palpatine, abandoned as a child and always searching for my next meal. He was loved at home, food was always on the table, and he got all the attention in the world. But I sided with the Light, he with the Dark.” Lorian paused his mind-probing to listen. “Even though I was meant to be Dark, I turned out Light. Even though he was meant to be Light, he turned out Dark. As you can see, the universe isn’t predictable. And it wasn’t ever really black and white. We were both gray, and we both hated it, but it was really what made us strong.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I want you to know that just because you massacre millions or destroy an entire planet doesn’t mean you’re beyond hope. You might be ‘destined’ for something, but only your choices will make that destiny realized. You’re always in control, Lorian. And I’m always with you.”

“But I have to do this! I don’t  _ have _ a choice!”

“So do it. Kill me. I won’t stop you.”

Her eyes were still closed. She wasn’t afraid of him, Lorian realized.

“I… have to… the voice… its orders…” There were tears in his eyes.

His lightsaber ignited. In one smooth, practiced motion, the blade pierced her heart. 

Rey fell to the ground. 

There was silence.

Lorian felt it when the life left her, but as he soon learned, it was unlike any death he’d ever know: accepting, relaxed. Like she was finally going home.

**Author's Note:**

> *coughs awkwardly*


End file.
